How Do You Feel?

Down South we love to talk to each other. We speak because it is polite. Now, sometimes we cut off words or shorten phrases. It is my personal belief that we do that because it is perpetually hot down here and the good Lord does not need us adding any more heat to the air than we already have. Instead of saying "How are you?" We have cut it down to a more temperature friendly "How you?", Instead of the heat retaining "Hello" we have broken it down to a simple "Hey". So from any good Southern person that you meet, the normal greeting will be "Hey, how you?" I am sure it is just our Southern charm that causes us to want to greet each person we meet. But I wonder how often someone really cares about how you are feeling or how many time we are asked this question and don't give a truthful answer?

This weekend Hubby told me that I should not take things personally. I had another huge blow dealing with my family and I have spent the last few days feeling pretty down. Hubby says that I should not take it personally. He feels that they would act in the same selfish, childish manner no matter who was handling the estate. It is not meant toward me, I just happen to be the person that is in the direct line of fire. Lucky me! Hubby says that what I am hurt about, though I don't' want to admit it, is that I am finally seeing the true side of the people in my family. My Aunt (not Auntie Dearest because I still think she one card short in her deck) asked me this question this weekend and I have been thinking about it for the last few days:

If you were not related to them, would you like them?

Sadly, the only answer I could think of was no. If I met both Auntie Dearest and Uncle Junkie on the street, I would not like them. They are both selfish and truly mean people. Frankly, I hate folk who use God as a crutch for being truly the devil. Praying for righteousness and causing destruction. I would not want to be around them. But unfortunately for me, I am related to them and I don't have a choice (at least for the next few months) than to deal with them and the cacophony of foolishness that they bring with them.

But, does that negate how I feel? I don't think it should. At this moment, I am not liking any of them: Auntie Dearest is mental, Uncle Junkie is trippin on something,my other Aunt wants the cash, and Mommie...well, she is just trying to keep out of it and pretend like she does not care.

Last night Hubby asked me what I wanted. I told him that in this whole mess, I wanted someone to understand how I feel, even if they think it is the wrong way to feel. Just for a moment I want someone to say that it is OK to feel this way and that other folk are wrong. Childish, but for just a moment I need that validation. Hubby says that my biggest problem is that I am trying to hold on to a relationship with people who do not want to have a relationship with me. I want to be family with people who, though they sprew the word like venom from the fangs of a poisionious snake, don't want to be family with me. Yeah...I tend to take that personally.

The sad thing is that I think he is right. I know I need to get to a point where I do not think of them as family anymore. Just some folk that I am bonded with via DNA. That period of my life is over. It died with my grandparents and that is sad. So, how I feel right now is lost and lonely and angry and vengeful all at the same time. I have made peace with how I am going to have to handle this situation for the next few months. I am at peace with the void that will be left when it is over. I can't be family with these people anymore because I just don't like them anymore, although I will love them forever. I will have to stop having any feelings for them at all.