Winning the Battle, Losing the War...

Today I am just tired. It is a mental kind of tired. The kind where you just think that your brain cannot take too much more. There is just too much going on in my world right this moment.

I think that people should not have to deal with shit in ALL facets of their lives. I think that your "deal with shit quotient" should be limited to one area of life at a time. For example, you should not have to deal with work shit, if you have personal, home, and other folk's shit to deal with too. One shit should kindly wait for the other shit to be over and then rear its shitty head. Shawshank came back to class today ( this is my #1 shit) and because I really did not feel like dealing with her mess, so she was quickly sent elsewhere.

I got an email today from an old friend (shit #2). He (yeah, he) asked how things were going and in my need to just vent, I told him all that was on my mind lately, from dealing with my family to dealing with other peoples problematic children. His response was that I must have changed since the last time he saw me because I did not sound like the 'take no shit' kinda gal I once was.

So I have been thinking about that this morning. How have I changed over the last few years? I think some things with me have been worn down. There are things that I can't change no matter how hard I scream, shout or cuss. I think I have learned to pick my battles. In the last few weeks I have just had too many battles to juggle. I am losing the war.

My plan today is to make it to 3pm. That will be hard since today is one of those rainy, gray days when I really should just be sleeping and watching bad TV. I have a meeting with Shawshank and her parent today (shit #3). I think that I am going to let her go. As much as I hate pushing my problem on someone else, she is going to have to be just that...someone else's problem. For awhile I am going to have to put my family (shit#4, see that is just too damn much) on the back burner and do the things I am supposed to do. I will have to deal with my mind and not my heart when it comes to them for awhile. I need to get some sleep, moreover I need to rest my weary brain.

In short, I need to get it together.

What Would Craig Do? (WWCD)

Hubby and I have this habit. We will wake up in the middle of the night (or early morning as it is) and start talking about ANYTHING. Usually the anything is quite silly and this morning was no different. Here is the question of the morning:

What if, by some weird blessing, you got one of Jesus' powers?

Now you know just what power we were thinking of! Oh, forget being able to do something truly good in the world. Bring peace, cure the sick....aw hell naw! We wanted to have the ability to make water into wine. Then we thought:

What if the Lord let you have this power...but upgraded it for the new millennium?

What if instead of wine, you could make Hennessy?


Think of all the fun Craig (just the ghetto name we picked out for a dude that was walking down the street and was greeted by an anglel named Raheem. Raheem is the angel of all blessing ghetto and project-y. He was then given this blessing) would have if he could turn water into Hen-dog? Man, he would get invited to all the parties! He would get all the girlies! People would make sure he was on the guest list:

"Hey, y'all called Craig for the crab boil?"

"No."

'What the hell is wrong with you? Somebody best go get Craig."

Folk would just fill up their bathtubs in anticipation of Craig's arrival. What if instead of multiplying loaves and fishes, Craig multiplied the hot links and potato salad at your next
bar-b-q? Everyone would be drunk happy and singing new negro spirituals:

"WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN CRAAAAAAAAAIGGGGG!

ALL OUR RIBS AND HEN HE BRINGS!

WHAT A PRIV-A LEDGE TO CARRY.....HIM A PLATE OF RIBS AND BEANS!"


Hey, it's just a random, unnecessary, truly silly thought....

No reason...Just Brian

Kinder Gentler Ms. Green

I have tried to be a calmer, gentler teacher the last few days. The whole thing with students being scared to come to my class did hit rather hard. So this week I have tried it Principal's way. I have asked for instead of commanded, said my "please" and "thank you" s, and ignored some behaviors until the child realized on their own that they were wrong. Well, that mess just ain't working. For the most part we have had a good week, today I have tried that same method and what has it gotten me?

This little bitch tried to shank me with some safety scissors!

Now, I know that my history with DABT has been a bit violent. I have been trying my best to treat her fairly and kindly and oh so gently a la George W. But how can you do that with some safety scissors pointed up at you like she is Norman Bates and I am just getting in the shower? I can understand why that man bombed them folk. Ok, I can't, but you get the idea.

This is too much. I can't even imagine teaching a higher grade. If it's Shawshank in room 4 first grade, what the hell would it be like with 5th graders in room 27? Oz? Usually this time of year, I will bring Popsicles or lollipops to class and we eat them outside in the butterfly garden. I have not done that this year, because these demons may keep the sticks, shave them down in the cafeteria with their pencil sharpeners and catch me in the neck while I am eating my McMuffin in the morning. Just picture the headlines:

"Teacher shanked in first grade Popsicle stabbing...film at 11."

Anyway, DABT was taken away kicking and screaming. She then ran away from the security guard and Vice Principal (who greeted me with "what the hell is going on" instead of some fool ass question like Principal may have. I like that chick! She is pregnant, so it may just be the hormones kicking in, but I am cool with that.) and started beating on the door and screaming. The students asked if they should open the door. One little girl said, "We are NOT letting that fool back in here!". Hey, from the mouths of babes.

So now I have to meet with her parent next week. We need to determine what we are going to do with her. I am going to ask that she move to another class. Maybe I am just not the teacher for her. I think that it will take her giving me a black eye for my administration to understand that.

Either that, or I will have to get shanked.

It's Picture Day...

(No this is not one of the demons...but he damn 'sho looks crazy, right? LOL)

So today is picture day. It is my job to take the demons to the photographer and get there mug shots, er um...I mean their beautiful first grade pictures! This is a good thing. See, the teachers get a lovely picture of all their children. This means that when one of them knocks my ass out one day, I will have a lovely color copy for the police. I just need to make sure I collect a crayon from each one so I can have their fingerprints. I made sure that DABT was the first in line because I need to make sure I have a picture of her when they do that news bulletin right after she robs that bank on 441 and 7th Ave.

Another one of my students wore lipstick. I did not even bother to wipe it off. I feel that will be a lovely memory for her mother. I know it would stick with me to see my child with wet n' wild number 316 all over her grill.





I just LOVE picture day!

Words of Wisdom from Small People..

It is chilly in Miami this morning. I love this kinda weather. We don't get much of it here, but when we do, I love it. There is something about a chilly morning. It just seems refreshing. I think it is more the change of seasons that I like. It's funny that I like winter so much because truthfully, I hate being cold. I think it is all the warm things that you can do in winter that make it my favorite.

I really needed to feel this change this morning. I think it is like some higher power reminding me that things do change. You really just have to wait sometimes.

Yesterday, I had a weird experience. I had a parent come in and talk to me about her son. This was the same woman that came to talk to me about her child walking in the rain a while back. At first, when she came in I had my pie face on. I really did not want to talk to her. But, I had decided that this 9 weeks I was going to start anew. That, of course, meant that these conversations with her were just one thing that I would have to deal with...politely. She explained that her son was not in school today because he was afraid of me and I yelled too much and she had considered taking him out of my class.

It was a blow straight to my gut. But before answering her... I thought a minute. Then I said to her something I never thought I would say...I would take my child out of here, too.

She looked at me with the strangest look. She must have thought that I did not hear her, "Mrs. Green, I want to move him."

I know, and I understand.

At this point this woman must have thought that I had lost my marbles. Truth be told, I know that if she knew all I had to deal with during the day, she would rush to have her child removed. I know that if I was in my child's class and saw all the demons that I deal with, I, too, would take my child out in a hurry.

"But we like you." She said.

" And I like your son too.' See their child is really polite and really sensitive and for him to be in a room with the demons I have is just not right. Though she would probably be taking the little piece of sanity I have away from me....I understood.

"Well, there must be something we can do?"

So, long story short, I spent a good chunk of my evening at a student's house. It was nice. We had apple juice. It was just like the end of one of those circa 1960 sitcoms where every conflict is resolved in 30 minutes. We actually sat and talked and this young man explained that he knows that I am not mad at him, but that I have to raise my voice sometimes because the kids do not listen. I asked him what I should do. He said, " Just do your best."

Well, damn! Now I feel stupid for not thinking of that.

So that brings me to today. Wildly enough, this chilly fall day, I decided to do just that...my best. that's all. Nothing else. And it turned out well. Now, the day did not go perfectly. We did have some moments. But for the most part, I just concentrated on doing my best. At the end of the day I asked Mr. Deep Thoughts ( I knew you were waiting on his name) how I did. " You did great Ms. Green! You did your best."

And his is right, I did. Yeah me!!

TGIT

Thank God It's Thursday!!

And tomorrow there is NO SCHOOL!! YEAH!!

Today has been hectic. This is the first break I have been able to take all day. No lunch. Just meetings and I won't be able to get home until well after 7. God Lawd! The only good thing has been that the Demon at Table Blue (who will now be known as DABT...it's just quicker) was suspended for the day. With the day off and the weekend, it means I will not have to deal with her for 4 glorious days. C'mon now, ain't God good?


A few days ago Hubby's ex-wife called to tell us that her mother (who lives out of the country) is very will and is having surgery. She, of course, was going to be by her side and she asked a favor. She (with a straight face, mind you) asked that we take care of her kids. Just two. But only one belongs to Hubby.

Now, I am the kinda girl that really doesn't mind helping out when someone needs it, but this chick is usually so backhanded and nasty that I really just did not want her other child in my home. I realize I was being spiteful. You really can't take stuff out on children, but DAYUMN!!
Needless to say...I spent yesterday (between rounds with Demon at Table Blue) praying for an answer. It was a really tough spot to be in.

Then she called yesterday afternoon. Her mom was worse. "Can you please take the kids today?" (!!!)

Suffice it to say that we have two kids at the house. The boy is polite and really only wants to hang and do what boys do: eat and play PS2. Every so often he checks to see what I am doing, talks to Hubby or asks for something to drink. I think he confused and nervous about this situation. Just like me.

I am hoping that this little effort of goodwill will help to mend this really rocky relationship. Quite honestly, I am really tired of her always being mad and Hubby being mad and me and Jassi looking at both of them and thinking "Get the hell over it!". If this does not cure the bad blood between this piece of my family, so be it. I have had a chance to deal with a really nice kid and allowed by step-daughter to share the other part of her family with her brother. She was so excited last night to show her brother her room!

I guess either way, all's good.

If I....

...Shake the shit out of the Demon at the Blue Table ( formerly known as the Demon by the Door), would I loose my job? How 'bout if I box her?

The bigger question is if I will care!

That little girl is too much for me and I just can't take it anymore. If she hits or throws her hand up and me again I am gonna light her little tail up! I don't need this mess!

Today because she was mad that some kid was upset with her for begging for his lunchable in the cafeteria, she decided that she would get all grand. She even decided that she would try to hit me. Now she tried this shit yesterday in from of one of my interns. The intern asked why I didn't just knock her the hell out.

It ain't that easy. If it were, I would have pulled a Hollyfield on her a minute ago.

After today's attempt, I think that I blacked out. I really forgot where I was. I forgot who she was. I grabbed that little trick by the arm, left my class and walked (well slightly dragged) her to the office. On the way I was angry because I had other kids and things to worry about other than this same mess every day! She was pulling one way and I was pulling the other. Man, if I would have broken the heel on my Jimmy Choo's dealing with this child I was going to loose it. FOR REAL!

So we make it to the office. I dropped her in the middle of the floor. I then made this statement which as we speak ( or read as the case may be) is being repeated in gossip in the school halls:

"Y'all need to take this child and do something with her. I don't care what! Call her daddy, the damn principal or call the damn police but I have had enough of this shit." And I left her right there.

I might be in trouble for that tomorrow.

And the Winner is....

ME!!

(insert me doing my happy dance here!)

Last night I attended a reception for the winners of Citibank/Education Fund Grants. I wrote the grant on a whim. One of the tutors that was at the school last year hipped me to the site and said that I should apply. Because I was bored one day, I did. A few months later I was surprised to get an email saying that I had been chosen to receive the grant and that there would be a dinner and reception.

Yeah for me....now I would be able to do a project and not have to depend on my raggedy parents to get the things I need for their children. Not bad for a whim. eh?

So a few weeks ago they sent an email with the time and date and a few requirements. They asked that I invite a team mate (OK, I knew who I would ask for that), a family member (Hubby loves these things), let me know that there would be free drinks (Aw, hell yeah, the liquor is free!!) and the principal (!!!). So of course I asked Principal and she accepted.

The reception was not bad. There were teachers and principals all there to share some really good ideas. We had some really good conversations and I learned so much. I also got a check!!

Right before the checks, they asked some of us to get up and tell about our upcoming projects. After some cajoling from my teammate, I got up and talked a bit about my idea. When I sat down Principal said:

(Yep, here goes):

Principal: That was nice. You speak so well.

Now, what kinda fool ass statement is this!? You know what? I know she meant this as a compliment. Nothing more, nothing less. And that is what I will recieve it as. But for a quick minute, that old Chris Rock joke about Colin Powell ran through my head. I am educated and well traveled, of course I speak well. Then I thought about it...just a compliment, leave it at that. So the only natural reply:

Me: Thank you.

Sometimes you have to take your compliments as they come.

The only bad part of the whole thing was the presenter made a mistake and called one of my co-teachers name and not mine. That kinda sucked. But I am happy they when I got to the podium one of the school board members congratulated and said she was sorry for the mix-up. She also gave old boy at the podium the 'gas face' for making the error.

Now, as we award winners must do, I must go bask in the glory of after parties and the praise of my colleagues. Yeah, right...the party is nothing more that surviving the day with the Demon that Sits at the Blue Table and the Demon to My Left.

To celebrate, I will eat this Snickers Bar I just found in my desk.

Where is your faith?

For the past few weeks I have been a little down. I mean really, who wouldn't be? I have lost both grandparents, my family is not speaking, children are trying to tackle me with their 1972 metal lunchboxes (yeah, I am still a little heated about that). It is just too much.

I have always been one of those scatterbrained people. Maybe scatterbrained is too harsh of a word. I am a true Piscean. I am a dreamer. An over logical thinker. My way of thinking is unusual. It is really quick. I can go through several subjects in my head in a millisecond, and most often, I end up connecting things that people never really thought should be connected. This can be a good and a bad thing. It's good because employers say I 'think out of the box', but bad because sometimes I am unable to convey what I am truly thinking or feeling because there just isn't the right words and my brain is moving on. A really good example is that for years I have wanted to keep a journal, but I can never seem to write all that I am thinking as I think it. The blog thing is great because I can type usually at the speed that I am thinking. (So yes, all this craziness is really in my head...not a lot of editing)

Anyway, I say all that to say this:

I have a lot to deal with lately. It is keeping me from sleeping. I just think too much. I have been wondering a lot lately about if I have wasted my chance to start my own family, will I be able to tackle the things my grandfather wanted me to do, and if I am...well, if I am just OK. I think sometimes God give you a sign. Something that just tell you that he is listening and paying attention. Most times it is not an answer to your problem, just a little hug to let you know that he is still there and he is working on it.

And I said all that to get to this:

Today, after my normal sleepless night, I came to school with the usual things on my mind; "How am I gonna...", 'What can I do to...", "When will...". All these things have been running through my brain. Then Cedric's mom came to the door. I had sent her a note that I needed to see her about his progress in school. I told her that I had talked to the principal about him and that he was doing better socially, but that the work was a bit to hard for him. He is catching on but there are things I need him to do at home. Blah, Blah, Blah. She could tell something was wrong with me. She asked if all was OK. I told her I was fine. She told me Cedric told her I was out of class because someone in my family died. I told her that was true and that yes, some days were not so easy for me. She said that she remembers when she was with the doctors and they told her that he child did not have a chance that she told them 'Where is your faith?".

That phrase has been in my head all morning. I have to have faith that the things I want will happen and if they don't, I have to have the faith that this is how they are supposed to be. I have to have faith in the decisions I make and trust that I am doing what I think is honest and best at the time. I have to have faith in faith.

My mind runs at full speed sometimes.

Where is your faith?

For the past few weeks I have been a little down. I mean really, who wouldn't be? I have lost both grandparents, my family is not speaking, children are trying to tackle me with their 1972 metal lunchboxes (yeah, I am still a little heated about that). It is just too much.

I have always been one of those scatterbrained people. Maybe scatterbrained is too harsh of a word. I am a true Piscean. I am a dreamer. An over logical thinker. My way of thinking is unusual. It is really quick. I can go through several subjects in my head in a millisecond, and most often, I end up connecting things that people never really thought should be connected. This can be a good and a bad thing. It's good because employers say I 'think out of the box', but bad because sometimes I am unable to convey what I am truly thinking or feeling because there just isn't the right words and my brain is moving on. A really good example is that for years I have wanted to keep a journal, but I can never seem to write all that I am thinking as I think it. The blog thing is great because I can type usually at the speed that I am thinking. (So yes, all this craziness is really in my head...not a lot of editing)

Anyway, I say all that to say this:

I have a lot to deal with lately. It is keeping me from sleeping. I just think too much. I have been wondering a lot lately about if I have wasted my chance to start my own family, will I be able to tackle the things my grandfather wanted me to do, and if I am...well, if I am just OK. I think sometimes God give you a sign. Something that just tell you that he is listening and paying attention. Most times it is not an answer to your problem, just a little hug to let you know that he is still there and he is working on it.

And I said all that to get to this:

Today, after my normal sleepless night, I came to school with the usual things on my mind; "How am I gonna...", 'What can I do to...", "When will...". All these things have been running through my brain. Then Cedric's mom came to the door. I had sent her a note that I needed to see her about his progress in school. I told her that I had talked to the principal about him and that he was doing better socially, but that the work was a bit to hard for him. He is catching on but there are things I need him to do at home. Blah, Blah, Blah. She could tell something was wrong with me. She asked if all was OK. I told her I was fine. She told me Cedric told her I was out of class because someone in my family died. I told her that was true and that yes, some days were not so easy for me. She said that she remembers when she was with the doctors and they told her that he child did not have a chance that she told them 'Where is your faith?".

That phrase has been in my head all morning. I have to have faith that the things I want will happen and if they don't, I have to have the faith that this is how they are supposed to be. I have to have faith in the decisions I make and trust that I am doing what I think is honest and best at the time. I have to have faith in faith.

My mind runs at full speed sometimes.

Baby, What a Shower!

This weekend was great! There is something about being around people that are familiar to you. It gives you a sense of calm. I had this sense of calm this weekend.

I love being around my girlfriends! Truth be told there has been some tension of the last few months with the lot of us, but it seems that we have put it all behind and are right back to that close group we have been for years. I think that sometimes when things are going wrong for you, you can feel that it is going right for everyone else and turn away. I think many conversations this weekend helped us to understand that even when we are down, there is someone to talk to who either shares your pain or will listen and learn from you. I did both those things this weekend.

So on to the good stuff.

I was the last to make it to ATL. To my surprise, everyone was at the airport when I got there. I just had this happy feeling come over me seeing all of us there. Now mind you, we have spent many times in ATL before. In the words of the rap song, we use to 'tear the club up'. This time we were there for something special and you could see the excitement on everyone's face. It was either the excitement from the shower, or we could have just been all excited that Pam made it on time!

We spent the rest of the evening doing what we do best. Talking, eating, and laughing and shopping at the local Wal-Mart. It was way colder in Georgia than it was in Miami. By my new Miami blood I felt like it was below zero; it was actually only about 40. Being the Diva that I want to be, I bought my first funky fur! OK, now remember we were in Wal-Mart. God only knows what the hell kinda fur it is. Looks like English fuzzy sheepdog to me...but I was rocking that thing anyway. English sheep dog is warm as hell.

After a very cold night, we got up the next morning and talked so much we left the house late. We picked up items for the shower (did some shopping...seems like we can find the need to do that anywhere/anytime) and headed back to set up. At first we thought no one was going to make it. The funny thing is we were kinda excited no one was going to make it. We had all we needed for a good party right there. The decision was made to put on some more comfortable clothes, eat, and do what we do. Just as I was about to go put on my GoodTimes JJ Pj's (that I found during that mornings shopping trip! Wal-Mart and Target will be the death of me) the doorbell rang and the party got started.

We had a lot of fun. I think Nicci really enjoyed it and she got some great things for her new baby girl. Crimes Legal is the blog picture Queen, so I am sure photos of the shower (including me in my JJ getup) will be on her site by the end of the week.

The next day we went to church. It was a long beautiful country drive and I had to keep talking to keep from falling asleep. Once we got there, we were blessed to hear a teaching from one of the church's associate pastors. She spoke about true worship. In detail, she explained how you should be able to find a reason to praise and worship anywhere, including funerals. Of course this made me think of my family and all the foolishness we have been going through. We have spent so much time fighting over dumb stuff that we did not take the time to stop and truly worship the Father and thank him for letting us have these people in our lives for so long. Sad ain't it? I think in some way we had found a way of true worship at the baby shower. I think we were all thankful that God had allow us all to be there to share this moment.

After that, Nicci convinced us to go a local BP for breakfast. I looked at her real crazy. Who the hell eats breakfast out of the gas station? She asked me to trust her, and since she drives these county roads on a daily I decided I would. I was scared of what the Diva's in the other car were thinking. I am sure they thought that girl had found the Camry on 'E' and was stopping for a quick fill up. As I got out of the car, I asked God to help me trust her. The line was long which was a good sign since it is my personal opinion that country people know good biscuits. They damn sure did, because that thing was good. As we stood outside and ate, I looked over at Maya and laughed.

Me: Girl we have come full circle.

Miss Maya : I want to ask you why, but I just can't.

Me: Why? (OK I am laughing now)

MM: Because I just don't want to know what you are going to say.

Me: Naw, for real this is a good thing.

MM: OK, dammit. Why have we come full circle?

Me: Girl, we are standing in a field, outside, in the cold next to the superunleaded, eating a biscuit and I am in this lovely Wal- Mart puppy fur!! And we are having the best time.

She laughed and then asked me to move away from her because some of the puppy was shedding into her chicken biscuit.

There are some things I learned this weekend:
1. You can't beat being with your friends.
2. A good laugh can cure a lot of blues.

3. People change in really good ways

4. 40 degrees is WAY colder in Georgia than it is in the rest of the free world

5. You can get a hell of a biscuit at a gas station in the middle of Georgia!!

My Girls...

I could not sleep at ALL last night. I felt just like I did the night before my mom took me to Disney World for the first time. I was just too excited to sleep!! Today, all of my Girls are headed to the ATL. I can just hear Angie Stone singing the 'Girlfriends' theme song. Well, actually we are headed to Athens, which is a hotbed of excitement in Georgia. OK, let me stop and tell the truth...Athens is not the hotbed of anywhere...it really isn't even the warm blanket! Truthfully, nothing too much happens there. But I am excited anyway because all of us will be there. And Lord knows, I need to get away and celebrate something good. We are the live action version of that show. Quite honestly if MTV or the now defunct UPN ever wanted a real reality show about some Black women, they should choose us.

This is one of the few reasons we have ever 'possed up' for a none billy beat down reason. Oh, we are quick together to defend each other. This time is for a happy occasion. One of my bestest buddies is going to have her second baby girl. I can think of nothing better to celebrate. I take that back. I really need to celebrate that Pam left on time. That has to be the biggest surprise of them all! Love her dearly, but sistahgirl usually about 2 days and 2 hours late. Then the funny part is she will ask where everyone is going...usually after all the guest have left.

They went home chick. Party started at 4 on Friday. It is now 6 on Saturday.

There is a lot to be said about having a bunch of girlfriends that you can trust. You are allowed to laugh, cry, and gossip on each other without fear of punishment. I have immediate problems with women who say they have no women friends because they just can't get along with men. In the immortal words of the great Keith Sweat "Something, something, something ,something just ain't right". There is nothing but love in this group. Even when we are angry with each other. I love them all dearly and miss them all much.

I can't wait for this weekend to get started.

It has been a hell of a week.

Yesterday the demon that sits by the door lost her mind and attempted to attack me with her lunchbox. Not a regular lunchbox, mind you, sistah had a circa 1972 metal scooby doo lunch box. I did not even know they still made those. Forget the weapons of mass destruction that Bush claims we are fighting about. He needs to send some troops to South Florida because the true WMD are all in first grade in Miami.

It is really sad now that things like this no longer phase me. I really believe that this is apart of the job, albeit a part that I don't like. I think that it really said that I have become immune to the foolishness that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Any day that I go home and I am not hurt, then hey, it was a good day.

Demon by the Door came back to school this morning with her 37 year old grandfather. He has commit ed himself to raising this child the right way. She is giving him (and me) a run for our money.

I wonder where I can get me one of those lunchboxes though?

Sentimental Journey

My family is still not normal...as if we have ever been truly normal. For the past week or so since the funeral we have not spoken and have said things that have hurt. Those hurts have not completely healed even though there are miscellaneous apologies that are floating around. The apologies have been made through others and not directly to the person that should receive it. We are not good at apologizing. It's sad. At a time when we should be hold each other up, we have been breaking into teams. But, keep in mind, I am dealing with a close knit group that has had reason these last few months to unravel.

I talked to my mom at length last night. She asked me why I was still mad and I told her that, ironically, on my frequent sleepless nights of late while I watch repeats of The Andy Griffth Show and I Love Lucy, I had thought about just that. I think I am most upset over the fact that with all the whooping and hollering about sentimental items, no one has taken anything sentimental.

Most folk don't know it, but I am a really sentimental person. I love to take pictures and I have pictures of every thing and almost every place I have been. I have tons of pictures of the children in my class, the places I've been, friends and family. This weekend I will be helping a friend welcome her new child in the world. I will probably take pictures. I have keepsakes of places I have been, too. Small things that people don't even know I have. For example, in one of my purses I have the cork from the bottle of wine I drank one night when Hubby told me he loves me more than the world. I am sentimental like that.

However, my Aunts, Uncle and Mommie continued to talk about needing to have something sentimental. My Aunt stormed out of the house and into my grandfathers car. She drove off like the proverbial bat out of hell, crying that she needed something of Daddy's. I understood that...or so I thought. I mean, let's face it, until this year they all had both of their parents, could return to their childhood home, spend holidays around the same table that they sat around for all of their lives. Their children got to experience those holidays the same as they did when they were younger. They could share stories and actually have witness to prove that my uncle did feed the horse collared greens and that was the reason it died. The house held so many memories and in less than a year...now it is all gone.

I can understand that...at least I thought.

After everyone and returned to their homes, I went back to the house like a good little executrix I am and inventoried the house. As I walked through, I became angry. I mean, I know one man's sentiment is another man's junk. But some things, I think, are universally sentimental. For example:

My grandfather was an avid photographer. For years, people asked him to photograph wedding and parties. He has our whole history in albums. They are all still there. So are his cameras and videos. He was a sharp dresser, all his clothes are still there. The picture of him that we used for the funeral..still on the table. Our family tree is still hanging on the wall.

I took some things from the house. Things that may not even be missed until someone reads this post. I took a blanket. It was fairly new, but I had seen my grandmother sit on the corner of the sofa and do crossword puzzles with it over her legs. She was ALWAYS cold. My nephew took on of granddaddy's hats and I took one of his caps. He was always a snappy dresser and I am sure that I will be reminded of that each time I wear it.

My being sentimental helped me learn things. What amazed me was I never knew Granddaddy was sentimental, too. On his dresser was a bible. In the bible was the birthdays and anniversaries of most of our family. There was also the newspaper announcement of my wedding. I did not even know that it made it to the paper on time. After leafing through the pages I found the my grandmother's obituary. I could only imagine how he must have felt to clip that, and place it in the book. My grandfather was in the army, and in true military style, they played Taps at the funeral. The solders dutifully folded the flag and gave it to my mother. All of these things are at my home now.

So I question my family and their definition of what is sentimental. And I really hope not to find that all that is sentimental to them is monetary.

Until then, I will sit on the sofa, reading my book, with my grandmother's blanket over my legs. I'm sentimental like that.

Maybe I am My Hair...at Least a Little

I don't even know why this is on my mind. I am a big fan of neo-soul. I love the music because it links soul and blues with a bit of hip-hop and I think it fits my generation so very well. We hip hop babies are getting older now, and we can't keep 'leaning' with it or 'rocking' with it. At some point, when you snap your fingers and do your step, you are gonna put ya back out.

I was watching VH1 Soul last night and this India.Arie song "I am Not My Hair" comes on. OK I have no problem with this woman and I think her music is great. She is a talent. I have to admit I was the first person running around humming that I was 'not the average girl from the video". But, come on now, this chick is taking it TOO far. Must every song be about you and your hair or how much better you are because you refuse to get the Dudley products like the rest of us.

Don't get me wrong...

Ms. Crimes Legal has a head full of the most beautiful locks I have ever seen. OK stop a moment. Why do we always say a "head full"? If the girl was sporting locks around a shiny bald spot that would be another post altogether...me or India wouldn't be able to do or sing a damn thing. Anyway, anytime I see someone with 2 strain twist I want to figure out how I, too, can get the look. I love the look of natural hair. I just really don't have an idea how to get to that point...and I am a little afraid of how I will look in the meantime. I have another friend who at any given moment may sport anything from a natural to a Mary J. Blige blonde weave.
And looks good either way. It amazes me. I just don't have that must confidence. OK yeah...I am scared! I am a big girl, I can admit that. I keep thinking my head will be shaped wrong or I may have a bump up there that needs to be covered by some hair. I would hate to look like Cockroach off the Cosby show (remember that one? HAHA!).

But this chick really has a problem...if you have to sing about it that much then the hair thing really is a big deal for you, India. I understand that her whole point is that we are to love ourselves. So in solidarity with India, I have decided to write my own love song for my hair and the all the hair of the perm girls (same tune as India's song, I am not that talented...at least not yet) Sing it LOUD my straight haired, relaxed sistahs!:

I got me a perm,

My hair is so straight...

I get my naps done today and I can't wait.

Dudley's and Motions...that is all for me...

When my money's tight, there's Dark and Loveeeeely.


Love ya perms, locks, Afros.....do YOU!!

Let Sleeping Demons Lie...

OK....I am really not sure what is happening this year. I kinda think that these children really don't believe that I am stressed and if need be, I will box them Tyson style (old Tyson, not the ear biting tattooed freak-a-zoid we have now).

Same little girl today, The Demon that Sits by the Door.

I really hate to call parents, especially one that works at a school. I feel that you have your own demons to deal with on a daily. Why call you with some extra mess? This girlchild puzzles me. On her good days she is VERY good. Great work, good manners. But on days that she is not feeling it she is really NOT FEELING IT.

This was one of those days.

It all started this morning when I asked them to get ready to start the day. Nothing special, just sit down and get yourself together. It's Friday, we have music first thing in the morning. How can you go wrong starting your day off singing the "Wheels on the Bus" (which I have to admit is one of my favorites..that beep, beep, beep gets me every time). When I came back after music Miss Thing had just lost it. She got on the floor and started kicking the desk. My desk. This bitch done lost her mind. I kept my cool because, if you remember Principal said I should just 'ignore this' and it would stop. Not to mention I did not want to use the security call button. I was afraid that I would get Principal again with yet another child psychology lesson.



I felt like the indians or better yet one of the natives in the Tarzan movies. I would try the ways of the white woman this time. It just might work.

Uh....NAW!

Miss Thing has now decided that she will roll on the floor, scream and kick the desk harder. It was like a Puff Daddy remix of the last time she went crazy. AW, HELL NAW, BOBBY!! In my calmest trying to do what Principal told me to do voice I asked another child to hit the call button. At this point, I would rather talk to Principal than deal with this mess.

Here's where the fun starts: Babygirl jumps up off the floor, runs to the child pushing the button and begins to pull and hit her...the other child is looking at me like "If you don't do something, Lady, I'mma lay this 'ho out". I quickly move to the front of the class and Ms.By the Door hits me. Let me say it again. SHE HITS ME!! WAIT A DAYUMN MINUTE! I started to shake her teeth loose (see previous post) but the nurse for my new student was in the classroom. I don't need witnesses.

I backed up from Ms. By the Door. I had to. I thought I would kill her. But guess what? She walked over to me, looked me dead in the eye, drew back her hand...and THAT HEFFA HIT ME!! The rest of the demons had looks of shock. I think they thought I would kill her. So did the new kid's nurse. Hell, so did I.

I went to push the security button again and this child grabbed me by the hand. In my mind, it was getting harder and harder not to just slap the fool out of her. The kids in the class were so quiet now that I actually turned around to see if they were still there. Good LAWD what would Jesus do? I shook my hands from her grip and she fell to the floor. As she fell she hit her head on the wall. That was the Lord hitting her back for me. Good looking out, Lord!

Security came. The man asked me why I did not shake the fool out of her. I told him I had witnesses. He laughed and took her out.

So here we are. Day almost over and she is back. As I write this she has fallen asleep.

I am going to let my little demon sleep the rest of the day.

Welcome Back!!

So I am back at work today and the Lord or any of the Latter Day Saints must be looking out for a sistah because Mr. Home School is not here today. The day has run smoothly so far. It is sad that you must come back to the demons to have some kind of peace in you life.

I have not slept well in the last few nights. So today I might really just be hallucinating, but I had a decent conversation with Principal today. It went like this:

Principal: Welcome back!
Me: Thank you.


Nothing more. Kinda cool and to the point. I like that! I forgot to bring lunch and I don't feel like going to get anything so today I am going to have a nutrious lunch of lemonade and chocolate covered popcorn. There was something in the cafeteria today that looked close to spaghetti, but I just refuse to chance anything from out of that place. There was maccaroni from hell a few weeks ago. My tummy ain't been right since.

So today, I am just going to take it easy. Get back in the swing of things...but some things behind me and know that everything will get better soon.

I think.

The Ties That Bind....

It has been a terribly long week. There has been a slew of things that needed to be done and things that still need to be done. I have spent the last few days trying deal with some new realities.


I have not slept well in about a week. For whatever reason, some time around 4am my eyes pop open. Once that happens my mind begins to race and I just can't get back to sleep. There are a lot of questions in my head right now and I just can't seem to find the answers. My grandfather left me in charge of his estate. I would think that although there would be a great deal of legal paperwork, the act it self would not be that difficult. My family would never be that hard to deal with. They are rational people. OK, seems they are not and my mind and spirit cannot understand...


I don't think I belong here anymore.

As I talked to Hubby last night, I started to tear up. Maybe the death of my grandparents was the final disconnect for me and my hometown. He countered with " But we have great friends here, we have ties, hell Babe, it's home." Damn lawyers, always gotta damn counter! But I think it is deeper than that. I have always felt that I was home not just because of my friends, but because I knew that no matter where we all moved to (and we have spread out) that at home point everyone comes back to this place because they had that same weird need to be here. As I deal more with my family on legal matters, they make me no longer WANT to come here. I shoulda had this revelation before I had hubby to buy the house. Ooops!!

I question myself now on family...the ties that bind are slowly choking me. My perception of some are changing, my trust in others is fading. Then there are those I just want to knock in the teeth!! (Just kidding...maybe) How do I keep that same 'wanttoneedtobehere' feeling when right now, I don't' want to have anything to do with anyone.


I know something is awry because I miss my demons...even Mr. Home School and the Demon that Sits by the Door. So today, I will take the 5 hour ride to a place that I am starting to think of as home.