Most Children Left Behind

Teaching is an art. In order to teach well, you must be an entertainer. It is imperative to have mastered crowd control. You must do these things while simultaneously teaching children the skills they will need for life. Not an easy task at all. I still worry and inquire about how my students are doing from my first class. I have had to jack up several that have gotten off track. I want to make sure that they stay on the straight and narrow because I truly want them to become a productive part of society. Also, I want to make sure that the person that is changing my depends in the old folks home can read the directions on the box.

In the three years that I have been doing this I have learned a lot. I now have the ability to captivate the minds of six year olds while stylishly walking around in my Jimmy Choos. I have have also learned that for some, the game is already set for them to loose. This No Child Left Behind deal has been a thorn in my side since I started this teaching gig. As a citizen, I thought it was a great idea. As an educator, I see it is a load of crap. These past two years I have been elected Department Head which means that I have the biggest mouth on the grade level and will say whatever they think needs to be said. Usually we keep our grumbling to ourselves and just do whatever the NCLB (lovingly known as NickleB) people tell us we need to do.

Yesterday, however, was a different story.

Last year the children were subject to yet another test that the state uses to try to prove that they (the students not the government) are not dumb. The test da jour is called The Peabody. The Peabody tests children on their vocabulary. Last year, even the best and the brightest at my little ghetto school failed this exam. Principal was outraged! To combat this, along with the 7 other programs I am to use on a daily basis I was given a vocabulary program. This, surely, would help the Negro children with the Peabody, their scores would shoot up and we, as teachers, would again feel as if we have left no child behind! Great! So for the last few months I have quizzed my demons daily on words like clumsy, delightful, irk, dwell, and survive. We have made games to see how often during the day we could use the words. I have spent my bonus money buying special snacks to celebrate the fact that Colorado used the word exaggerate correctly.

Yesterday, the reading coaches decided they would sit down with us and explain how the test is administered so that we could begin to prepare our students. I felt great. After all, Colorado and Jesus Demons 1 and 2 were using all their big words in context. The demons, if no other class would surely pass exceptionally (another word from the list) well.


Then she pulled out the test.

NOT ONE DAMN WORD THAT WE HAVE BEEN STUDYING THIS YEAR WAS ON THAT TEST! The words were huge and I would never expect the average 6 year old child to know them, for example ENUMERATE. What six year old hears that? Immediately, conspiracy theories shot through my head. The famous faceless THEY know that kids at my school would never pass that test. Most children in my school are the first generation to even live in the states. They (and their parents) are busy trying to learn the damn language. They are far from using such advanced words.

When I asked if we had to give them the test, I was told there was no choice. Both the state and the district required it and did not (or would not) take in consideration the children who were taking it. Kinda like on Good Times when Michael took that crazy IQ test. So what is a teacher to do? Well, I wrote down as many of the words that I could remember and I will spend the next few weeks trying to introduce words to my students that maybe their parents don't even know. I will hug them and let them know that means embrace. I will show them my new dress and refer to it as attire...hell, I might even buy a Lil John-esque cup and refer to it as a chalice as I sip my daily Vitamin Water. The only thing I can do is my best to make sure they know at least some of the words on that fool ass test. Who the hell is Peabody anyway? The sad part is if they don't pass, I am blamed. So I better work hard or I'll be One Teacher Left Behind.