I QUIT!!!

Yesterday, during yet another meeting telling me all the things I need to change in my classroom, all the centers I had to create, all the things I needed to do with the kids and how many times a day I needed to do them....I packed my bags.

I literally took everything off my desk. Packed up the pictures of my husband, my stepkids, my goddaughter. Packed up my good flip flops that Ms. Crimes Legal got me for my birthday, and decided to call it quits. I looked around the room to make sure I had all the things that I really wanted to keep. The rest I would just leave for the new teacher or for my colleges. That's all for me. The funny thing is that only my good friend realized just what I was doing. She kept giving me the question face. I looked at her with the kool-aid grin.

After the meeting was over, I picked up my box and headed to the car. She asked me what I was thinking. I can only guess that she has never seen me this quiet. At some point during the meeting I had decided not to kill the messenger and to just keep my mouth closed. I told her that what I was really thinking: this job had become overwhelming and that I really could not figure out how to implement all the things they want us to do. Hell, I can't get my parents to take 10 minutes out of their day to buy pencils but I am supposed to be able to differential instruction on 3 different levels for 20 different kids in 2 hours each day. Not to mention work for an hour with 14 different students and yeah, change up the instructions based on individual needs and make worksheets and games and print out material. Oh yeah, and did I mention the school is out of paper? I have to buy my own. Damn this!! Too much. I'm out.

Hubby should be happy with this. He has wanted me to quit for a long time. This is a good decision. He will be proud! I drove home feeling confident like a mudda-phukka.

You know it didn't go quite that smooth, right?

He reminded me that I do this for the children. That to leave right now would make me a quitter. For a moment, I was cool with that. But what if the next person did not do all I try to do with them? He reminded me that God has a great sense of humor and the kid I abandon right now, will be the EXACT same kid that will have to change my diapers at the retirement home. DAYMN.

So I am back today. And I am trying not to let the day get to me. I am trying to do what I can with them and not let myself get overcome with self doubt. Just when I needed yet another sign, I ran into Cedric and his grandmother. This was his second day in school and she wanted to tell me just how much he enjoyed his first day. I will refer to Cedric as the Demon Tamer because my worst student became his best friend and a really good helper.

"Ms. Green, I am normal now" said Cedric the Demon Tamer. Quite profound words. Little did he know I had been feeling a little abnormal lately.

What I have learned from all this is that I have the 'flight' mechanism. When things or people become too "overwhelming" for me, I look for an excuse to leave or move or change something. In some respects that is a good thing. But there are times when I wonder what would have happened had I just had the guts to stick it out awhile.

I guess this will be one of those times that I stick it out awhile. I guess I am normal now, too.