Where You Lay Your Head...

Hubby has few friends. Not because he is mean and surly (which he kinda is), but because he is very selective about the folk her refers to as friends. He has one buddy from college that I have recently met and I adore. They were in band together. At an HBCU this is almost as important as being on the football team. Hopefully, it is as funny to the average person as it is to me that Hubby was a band geek. The thought of all 6'5" of him playing the tuba and dancing just cracks me the hell up.

Anyway, when I first met the SaxPlayer, he brought his girlfriend with him. I was amazed that I liked her and him so much. The two of them spent many weekends with us. This weekend he is here with a new girlfriend. You know I am shocked! True to "that's my girl" instincts all over the globe, I have given this girl the pie face since she got here. Hubby says I am wrong. He may be right, but my face is still all 'pied up'.

I asked hubby why SaxPlayer is not her with my friend and why he has brought some new chick in my home. He said that my friend wanted to get married and SaxPlayer was not ready for that. I asked why...the two of them seemed so perfect together. They finished each other's sentences and jokes. I just loved seeing the two of them together. Hubby then goes on to tell the story that the two of them had gotten into a fight a few years back about the same marriage issue. At the time SaxPlayer had lost both of his parents and was caring for a younger brother. Money was tight and they had all moved into one place. Hers. She got angry and put them out that night. He begged her to let him stay letting her know that he did not have anywhere to go. She refused (as angry Black women do) and he and the brother had to live in the car for awhile. Eventually, she cooled down (as Black women do) and they moved back in together. Things got better for him and he moved into his own place. They still saw each other, but he had his own spot. He said that from that point forward he could not see marrying her because she would be able to quit the relationship in his time of need. She did not have him "for richer or poorer".

WOW!

Hubby at that point remined SaxPlayer of something his father taught him "you don't lay your head on a pillow that you don't pay for". This might be the reason that anywhere that we have lived Hubby has made sure that he paid the rent. It's good advice. But it is even better advice for our daughters. Right at that moment I told myself that I would make sure that I had this same philosopy with Jassi and any other girl child in my world. YOU DO NOT LAY YOUR HEAD ON A PILLOW YOU DON'T PAY FOR. The only men you need to live with are your father, brother or husband. If they are paying for your pillow, cool.

We have become OK with people living together. But what more do you learn about a person when you live with them? For the most part you learn that you do not want to marry them. Hubby and I lived together for four whole months before our wedding. Some days I thought about canceling the wedding. Living with someone has you experiencing their bad habits and all that stuff without you having to deal with a true commitment. Now that I am married I have to deal with Hubby and his cigars. A habit he knows I dont' like, but he loves. If we were living together I could just say 'forget this mess" and move out as easily as I moved in. When you are married you have to compromise.

So right now, per Hubby's instructions, I will get the pie off my face and be a gracious host. I am sure she is nice. She teaches demons just like I do. What I have learned is this: Where you lay your head is important. Make sure it is a place that is yours until you are willing to completely share that space with someone. All the space...not just the pillow (that you don't pay for) and an easy way out.