Where is your faith?

For the past few weeks I have been a little down. I mean really, who wouldn't be? I have lost both grandparents, my family is not speaking, children are trying to tackle me with their 1972 metal lunchboxes (yeah, I am still a little heated about that). It is just too much.

I have always been one of those scatterbrained people. Maybe scatterbrained is too harsh of a word. I am a true Piscean. I am a dreamer. An over logical thinker. My way of thinking is unusual. It is really quick. I can go through several subjects in my head in a millisecond, and most often, I end up connecting things that people never really thought should be connected. This can be a good and a bad thing. It's good because employers say I 'think out of the box', but bad because sometimes I am unable to convey what I am truly thinking or feeling because there just isn't the right words and my brain is moving on. A really good example is that for years I have wanted to keep a journal, but I can never seem to write all that I am thinking as I think it. The blog thing is great because I can type usually at the speed that I am thinking. (So yes, all this craziness is really in my head...not a lot of editing)

Anyway, I say all that to say this:

I have a lot to deal with lately. It is keeping me from sleeping. I just think too much. I have been wondering a lot lately about if I have wasted my chance to start my own family, will I be able to tackle the things my grandfather wanted me to do, and if I am...well, if I am just OK. I think sometimes God give you a sign. Something that just tell you that he is listening and paying attention. Most times it is not an answer to your problem, just a little hug to let you know that he is still there and he is working on it.

And I said all that to get to this:

Today, after my normal sleepless night, I came to school with the usual things on my mind; "How am I gonna...", 'What can I do to...", "When will...". All these things have been running through my brain. Then Cedric's mom came to the door. I had sent her a note that I needed to see her about his progress in school. I told her that I had talked to the principal about him and that he was doing better socially, but that the work was a bit to hard for him. He is catching on but there are things I need him to do at home. Blah, Blah, Blah. She could tell something was wrong with me. She asked if all was OK. I told her I was fine. She told me Cedric told her I was out of class because someone in my family died. I told her that was true and that yes, some days were not so easy for me. She said that she remembers when she was with the doctors and they told her that he child did not have a chance that she told them 'Where is your faith?".

That phrase has been in my head all morning. I have to have faith that the things I want will happen and if they don't, I have to have the faith that this is how they are supposed to be. I have to have faith in the decisions I make and trust that I am doing what I think is honest and best at the time. I have to have faith in faith.

My mind runs at full speed sometimes.